Style Invitational Week 1320: Questionable journalism A classic Invite contest. And you’ll love at least 102.3% of this week’s stats fictoids. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // February 21 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning bogus statistics) /Line from the Post:/ ** *With Beethoven, he adds, “there can be awkward jumps, or it’s harder to find a fingering that really works.”* /Question it could answer: / *What did the toy company president concede about his low-selling line of Famous Composer Hand Puppets? * A. *They will have instant replays, Jumbotrons and lots of television cameras. * /Question it could answer: / *What are Kim and Kanye’s plans for conceiving another child?* (Jeff Contompasis, Week 1053, 2014) /A. / *The investigators tried a different tack.* /Q./ *What happened after the “Wanted” poster fell off the bulletin board?* (Jay Shuck, Week 667, 2006) It’s a classic Style Invitational contest since Week 254 in 1998: *Find any sentence (or a substantive part of a sentence) that appears in The Post or another publication, in print or online, dated Feb. 21-March 4, and pair it with a question it might answer, *as in the entries above by Bob Staake and from previous Questionable Journalism contests. Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1320 * (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an *electronic necktie on which is printed a piano-type keyboard* — and you can play the white keys; they make little beeplets like the ones you hear from obnoxious greeting cards. The Empress played part of “I’m a Loser” on it at the Losers’ Post-Post-Holiday Party last month. Donated, as are so many of our most gloriously ridiculous prizes, by Loser Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, March 4; *results published March 24 (online March 21). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline “Stats Entertainment” was submitted by both Jeff Contomapasis and Chris Doyle; David Peckarsky and Jesse Frankovich both thought of the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. **The Style *Conversational: *The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *STATS ENTERTAINMENT: BOGUS TRIVIA FROM WEEK 1316* *Week 1316 *was another of our bogus-trivia contests, this one citing ridiculous statistics. More than 82 percent of this week’s entrants sent an entry like this, which is actually true and therefore not applicable to this contest: “100 percent of Style Invitational entrants who don’t get ink believe their entries were way better than the ones she chose.” 4th place: In the current administration, the average official’s length of service before turnover is hovering around 17.3 Scaramuccis. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) Ready for her Solo: The Empress displays this week’s 2nd prize at last month’s Loser party. (Dean Evangelista) 3rd place: Due to the law of diminishing marginal returns, Patriots fans now become only 4 percent more insufferable with each successive Super Bowl win. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) 2nd place and the sexy-frog maraca from Cuba : It is now possible to tango with only 1.75. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Recent neurological research reveals that only 97.4 percent of fools fall in love. The remainder fall in a mix of lust and Axe Body Spray. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) Substandard deviations: Honorable mentions Although of course the mainstream media failed to report them, during the first two years of his administration President Trump made 142 true statements. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.) A cat’s metabolism is so efficient that it can convert 5½ ounces of cat food into 7 ounces of feces, 3 ounces of urine and 2½ ounces of fetid odor. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) In a recent memoir, Rick Astley admitted that there is at least a 25 percent chance that he will give you up, and at least a 5 percent possibility that he will let you down. (Duncan Stevens) Only 0.05 percent of registered Democrats are expected to enter the 2020 presidential race by June 2019. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Thirty-eight percent of accountants used to be statisticians, but they could not stand the excitement. (Keith Ord, Potomac, Md.) 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Your Mama. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) Ninety-one percent of the articles my dad forwards me are old, debunked or irrelevant, compared with 0 percent of the ones I forward to my kid in college. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.) A Panda Express “Panda Bowl” actually contains only about 6 percent panda meat. (Bill Dorner) A stitch in time will save 1,709 by the year 2030, when you factor in economic growth due to tax cuts. – S. Mnuchin, Washington (Kevin Dopart) Almost 1 in 50 of Don Corleone’s offers were refused. Well, briefly. (Todd DeLap) An average of 535 members of Congress say they enjoy hearing the sound of their own voices. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) Contrary to popular belief, the number 1 maintains an active social life, and isfar less lonely than either 267 or 894. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) In a recent marketing survey, 4 out of 5 men believed that discounted post-Super Bowl merchandise makes a great Valentine’s Day present for their wives or girlfriends. (Ivars Kuskevics) In a recent survey of 7,400 Korean War veterans, more than 87 percent responded that they didn’t hear the question. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) It is now possible to accurately compare nearly 86 percent of apples with oranges. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) Of the 3 million more votes cast for Clinton than for Trump, 55 percent were from illegal immigrants, 31 percent were from Democrats who voted twice, and 18 percent were from dead people. The total exceeds 100 percent because some dead people voted twice. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) Less than 10 percent of Americans are able to identify the grammatical error in this entry. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Tweeting for 15 minutes on the toilet actually burns about the same number of calories as 15 minutes of ranting at cable TV. (Kevin Dopart) A recent study revealed that 62 percent of dogs who refused bargain brand dog food would eat it when the dish was transferred to a neighbor’s porch. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif., a First Offender) Researchers are unable to explain why when a sock disappears in the laundry, 75 percent of the time it’s the left one. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) Soylent Green is /mostly/ people: The remaining 19 percent consists of xanthan gum, calcium sorbate and corn syrup. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.) A man’s genitalia can grow by as much as 75 percent when he’s describing himself. (Warren Tanabe) Surveys conducted during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings showed a 56 percent increased interest in boofing. (Duncan Stevens) The average “Saturday Night Live” sketch continues for 2 minutes 36 seconds after the audience gets the joke. (Eric Nelkin) The joke about the statistician who drowned wading across a river with an average depth of three feet is based on the fact that an average of 16.23 statisticians do perish that way every year. (Allan Grady, Fredericksburg, Va., who last got Invite ink 21 years ago, in Week 212) The number of bells rung every year far exceeds the annual pool of new angels. (Jeff Contompasis) Of the 34 inchworms found in an average 18-square-foot flower bed, five actually stop and think marigolds are beautiful. (Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.) Twelve to 14 percent of teenagers have triskaidekaphobia. (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md.) While 3 out of 4 statisticians hate reporting in generalities, 16.34934 percent think that overspecifying precision is a bigger problem. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) With improvements in hygiene, it’s now possible to achieve genius with a 40:60 perspiration-inspiration ratio. (Frank Osen) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 25: our contest for words built from ScrabbleGrams racks. See wapo.st/invite1319 . *